Youtube Video of Owen

Owen's first celebration of many for his 3rd b-day which is August 23rd. This one was at Pop and Grandma Annie's house in Dallas. So fun! He had a blast!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WlY9OXZ5QZg

Nate's Grave Marker

Nate's Grave Marker was installed today and it is beautiful!

This photo was taken with my BlackBerry so we'll take better ones with a real camera and upload them soon...

Thanks,

Trey

A bunch of Ducks & A Swan

On Sunday, Owen and I went to Floral Haven to see if Nate's marker had been installed. It had also been a while since I had been to Nate's gravesite and I really felt the need to go there. Unfortunately, the marker hasn't been installed yet and I've called to see why there has been a delay.

When we get there, I always give Owen the choice between sitting on Nate's bench or going to see the ducks. Of course, he wanted to go see the ducks...

We walked over to the area where the ducks usually are and there weren't any ducks. Off to our right about 30 yards, there were a few geese but no ducks. I told him that I didn't see any ducks but we'd walk down to see the geese.

Literally within seconds of starting to walk that way, all of the ducks that were on the other side of the roadway (about 50 yards away) started crossing the road and heading our way. I am not talking about a couple of them...I am talking about 25 to 30 ducks! The ENTIRE group crossed the road, went under the fencing and came down to where we were standing. This was a mix of ducks...momma ducks, daddy ducks and ducklings still with their fluffy feathers. Owen and I stood there mezmerized and watched them come down to us.

Then, in the pond, a black swan and a white swan swam by. I told Owen to check out the swans and about 2 minutes later the white one came up the bank and waddled toward us. It literally walked up to about 3 feet from us...only separated by the fencing...and just stared at us.

The ducks and the swan just stayed around us. Most of the ducks settled down under the shade of a tree and the swan just stood there. I think most of you readers remember Jen's swan experience and all I could do was think of that story.

After a while, Owen and I went walked back to Nate's bench and sat there for a bit. I KNOW that Nate sent the ducks and the swan to us and I am so grateful for that experience. I have REALLY been missing Nate and his sign really helped...THANK YOU, NATE!!!!

Thanks for checking in on us...

Trey

Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday, Nate!!!

We LOVE and MISS YOU SO MUCH!!!!

Love,
Mom, Dad & Owen

Life is slowly changing

It's been a tough couple of weeks. Of course, the dreaded thing you have to do when you lose a loved one is figure out what to do with all of their stuff, clothes, medical equipment in our situation, furniture, and our handicap van. And then, there's Nate's room. Oh, I how I love Nate's room. Definitely the funnest and coolest room in the house. Owen loved Nate's room as well. He spent a lot of time in there. So, with all of these changes we were faced with, we decided to take on the easiest ones first.

First was all of Nate's medical supplies like meds, syringes, catheters, diapers, special formula, etc etc. We decided to donate all of this to medical missions through our church. We did this awhile ago and the lady was very grateful. All of the stuff about filled her van!

Second, was selling the van. I know it's a handicap van, but I loved this van. I was very attached to the van because it was really "Nate's van". Very special to me. At first we contacted the place we bought it from and thought about selling it back to them. Then Trey put the word out if anyone needed one. Through a friend at work we were contacted by a couple who is caring for their elderly parents, one of whom is wheelchair dependent. They have been having to take public transportation and never went anywhere but the dr.'s office. After a few visits, and a test drive with the parents (they loved being out and about, other than the dr.'s office), we made a deal. We are so happy that Nate's van is being put to good use and we know where it is and it's improving somebody's quality of life!

Of course, Nate's clothes are still all hanging in his closet, because it won't be too long until Owen is fitting into all of them, so we will leave them there.

Nate's room was a hard one. Couldn't think about this for awhile. Trey and I thought maybe a reading room, somewhere quiet where we can reflect and read, etc. Also thought about an exercise room, since Nate couldn't move his muscles, a way to honor him was to be healthy and work out. Then, it hit me. I really don't want to change Nate's room. Nate's room is a fun room, and it's perfect for a little boy. Perfect for Owen to play. We moved the hospital bed and all of the shelving with medical equipment, out into the garage and pretty much just moved stuff around. We moved all of Owen's toys from the living room and middle room to Nate's room. I LOVE IT! And Owen is so excited. He plays in there all the time. And now I go in there all the time! I know Nate is smiling down on us having fun and laughing in his room and enjoying it the way he did. I have attached pics on the post below.

Nate's major equipment (suction machine, nebulizer, cough assist, and bipaps) are still here at the house. Not sure if we are going to donate them to MDA or SMA. Still waiting on that. Also, there are his wheelchairs. I have some contacts here in Tulsa through Nate's old therapists, and hopefully we can find somebody who can really use these chairs and Nate can "pay it forward". There is a possibility we will donate these to MDA or SMA also. Not sure yet.

Nate's headstone should be ready soon. I've only been out there once since Trey and I were there with Owen and it was very difficult. We will definitely go when his marker is out and take pictures. It's going to be beautiful. It has three of our favorite pictures etched in it.

I know in my last post I was talking about this hole and emptiness, which is still and will always be there. Some of you mentioned maybe volunteering or adopting. Yes, Trey and I have thought about a lot of different things. I know I will be giving back in some way to honor Nate and to give back the gift that Nate gave me, which is a love for special needs kids. I just don't know when and what that will be. Time will tell. God will lead me.

Friday, Owen and I have been invited to Nate's kindergarten "Class reunion" at a splash park. I'm so excited to see all of Nate's friends and hopefully Mrs. Lacy, Nate's teacher, will be there. But I'm also worried I'm going to break down balling my eyes out. That was such a special time for Nate and the kids were so sweet, and some of them even came to his service. But, I know I will keep it together for their sake, and be strong. Then when I leave, I'll probably lose it! But Nate would want me to go see his friends again and tell them hello from him and how much they all meant to him and that's what I'm going to do!

Trey and I are headed to Vegas this weekend and I'm a little nervous leaving Owen. But I'm sure things will be fine and hopefully Trey and I can enjoy ourselves. It's going to be hard because Nate's 7th birthday is on Tuesday, August 3rd, and we will be in Vegas. But it doesn't matter where we are, special birthday wishes, kisses are prayers are heard from anywhere!!!

That's it for now. Thanks for checking in and I'll post more about our trip, Nate's class reunion and Nate's 7th b-day next week.

Jennifer

Nate's Room/Play Room Pics

What these pics don't show is the ceiling which is really cool. Nate loved his ceiling. It has big stickers/pictures of Superman, Spiderman and Batman. Owen loves them too :)

I know, it's been awhile so here's an update (long one!)

Well, to tell you the truth, I just haven't been in the mood to post. I don't know. I just have been trying to "ignore" everything. Things became too painful, I just wanted to escape and not think about anything, not talk about it, and especially write about Nate and my "feelings". I wouldn't even get on the blog to check it. I've been having a really hard time lately. So has Trey, but he's much better at handling things than I am. Either that, or he internalizes it all (which is probably the case). I try to internalize, which means I just withdraw. Keep my mind occupied on other things or nothing at all and just be alone or play with Owen or watch meaningless television. I still have a hard time looking at Nate's pictures, videos and going into his room. I go into this tunnel vision thing, where I go in there, but I don't think, if I start to think about him and what once was, I freak out! I do start thinking all the time, but I block it out, move on to another thought or something to do or distract myself. Trey has been able to keep busy at work, but there's a lot going on there as well that has us stressed. (Hopefully, that situation will work out!) I seem to be more lonely. Just me and Owen at the house all day, it seems so quiet. I spent a lot of time getting out and being around people for awhile, then I just wanted to hibernate and be alone, with Trey and Owen. I need to find a balance. But, it seems like I'm one extreme or the other. It's hard to be alone, but also very hard to be "social" and "normal". But Trey and I are trying to work things out and we just take it one day at a time, and time seems to be flying by. But yet it seems like yesterday that Nate passed away. I've come to realize the pain will ALWAYS be there. I cry at random times, never know when it's coming. At church a couple of weeks ago, a downs syndrome choir came out and did a presentation of music with sign language. I lost it! I had to leave and go the bathroom and ball my eyes out. Just seeing special needs children, my heart just aches for Nate, but I also am so moved by them. I LOVE special needs kids! I thought it would get easier, but it's actually gotten harder. I miss him more and more every day. And I think because at first with all the calls, cards, etc., losing Nate was somewhat bearable (not really). But that of course passed. Time to move on. But not for Trey and I. We've tried, I've tried. Our "moving on" is plain and simple - being and living in the moment and trying to handle the pain day by day. But, I need to (as Trey has been able to do) not forget Nate and not ignore the feelings or the memories, but remember, reflect and thank God for his life. Even if it's painful. That's the hard part, I hate feeling sadness and pain. I feel like I could die, it's so painful to lose a child. But ignoring it, won't make it go away and it's not fair to Nate. He deserves to be remembered and thought about. Even if I cry all the freakin' time - LIKE I AM RIGHT NOW!!!!! UGH!

As far as signs from Nate, I get one almost daily. A while ago, I was running (during all the times I was posting early with all my "signs"), and I of course was looking for something. All of a sudden, this beautiful white, angelic butterfly was flying next to me while I ran. It stayed with me for the better part of my run, flying all around me and following me. Since then, I see a white butterfly in our backyard or frontyard on a daily basis. Sometimes randomly, but mostly when I'm thinking about him or ask him to give me a sign, there it is, the angelic butterfly appears!

Owen, our dear sweet, funny, lovable Owen. He has been such a blessing! He's kept us busy and to the extent he can, kept us preoccupied and from sinking into depression! He keeps us smiling and he keeps us GOING! He's a busy, wild little one. He's talking up a storm and has quite the personality. And such a sweetheart. We still stay our prayers nightly to Nate and sometimes Trey or I will cry a little (it's hard not to!). But what really gets my tears flowing is when Owen says "Mommy cry, mommy hug" and he gives me a hug. He pats me on the back and says "mommy miss Nate". Oh my, love that little guy!

As far as Owen's heart defect, he's doing really well. He is taking his medicine three times a day without much of a problem. I think he has come to realize this is just part of his daily routine now and sometimes even reminds US when he needs to take his medicine :) !

Owen is also swimming like a fish. He took one week of swimming lessons and you wouldn't believe what 5 days did for him! He's jumping off the side and going under water! But he's still a little attached to his floaties. And Trey and I are too, safety and comfort knowing he can just play around is nice! We've spent a lot of time in our pool and at the neighborhood pool. Owen loves being around the other kids.

The 4th of July neighborhood parade was a big hit! Lots of fun and Owen had a great time! It was sad not to have Nathan with us. He loved the parade and fireworks! It's so weird, because we had so much fun with Owen, but yet I cried at the parade too b/c I was missing Nate and wishing he was enjoying it with us! Good times, but yet such hard times.

So, that's it for now - enjoy the TONS of pictures!

Thanks for checking in!
Jennifer

Owen with Nana

Baking a cake with Nana

He likes it!

Owen Swimming

As you can tell, he likes to jump off the side!

More Parade and Fireworks

This is Owen's "new" wagon. It was Trey's when he was a kid. Trey's mom (Nancy), had it refurbished and it looks brand new! Pretty cool! :)

Last Year's 4th With Nate :(

Nate loved the fireworks!

After the parade, and the downpour! Nate thought this was so fun! He loved running through the rain!

Before the rain, Nate loving it then as well!

Owen Riding in the Golf Cart at the Parade

What fun!

Fire Truck at the Parade

Probably Owen's favorite part of the parade, meeting the firefighters and going inside the truck!

4th of July Neighborhood Parade

Nate's Grave Site

A couple of pics of his bench and grave. There's a nice fountain in the background, and you can hear the water. Nate loved the water. We didn't stay long yesterday because Owen was all over the place. We'll go back by ourselves when the marker is ready and take pics of that.

I have a really hard time at his grave. I don't feel comfortable there yet. I know his body is there underground and I want to dig him up and see him again. I know that sounds so weird and creepy. It's easier for me to talk to him in his room or anywhere at the house, because I'm talking to his spirit, to him as an Angel. At his grave, I know his body is there and it's so hard!!!! His body underground, that's just not right!!! But that's how it is with everyone who passes away, so why am I not able to deal with this aspect of it???? At home, his body is not here, it's easier to accept him being an Angel and a spirit. At his grave, he's there! I just can't handle it! But, I have to. I just have to.

Jennifer

9:45 p.m. last night

Trey has his watch alarm set to go off every night at 9:45 (the time Nate passed away). The alarm beeps for like 10 seconds. He did this to say a little prayer at this time, or just think of him. Last night I was just getting to bed and the alarm went off. As soon as it went off, I heard Owen over the monitor wake up from a deep sleep saying "pool, pool, pool" over and over again, until the alarm stopped, then he went back to sleep. Now, let me just say that Owen is a VERY good sleeper. He rarely ever wakes up in the middle of the night, and he has never woken up and "talked". I truly believe that this was a sign that Nate was visiting Owen in his dreams and they were playing in the pool together in Heaven! I know it! I had a rough evening last night and this put a smile on my face and I fell asleep smiling! :)

Youtube Video of Owen's Prayers

Every night, before Owen goes to bed, we all go into Nate's room and say prayers to Nate. Then we all blow a kiss to Nate and Owen tells him he loves him. HAD to get this on video!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jScqdmToIbc

Owen is loving the pool!

I'm MAD! But getting over it...

It's me. I haven't been able to post anything in a couple of days because I'm really just sick and tired. Sick and tired of depressing news, stress, sadness, etc. I needed a few days to accept reality (AGAIN!), and get over my initial feelings of random emotions, the most popular emotion being anger. I mean, what in the world? A heart defect, seriously??? It was, needless to say, a crazy weekend. I initially wanted to beat someone up, yell at God, scream at the top of my lungs. It took time for me to process what was going on. I didn't really even know exactly what Owen had until Monday I think. Didn't want to know. Didn't want to hear the three initial diagnosis of one of my son's, AGAIN! Didn't want to know what caused it, NOTHING! All I wanted to know when this all first happened that he was going to be okay. I didn't get that feeling until late Friday afternoon. So, here I am posting about Owen and SVT, not Nate and SMA. And in the midst of major loss and grieving, a curve ball is thrown our way which distracted us for a few days - all focus was on Owen. And still is of course. But the grieving for Nate has reappeared. And now we have grief, which will always be with us, but also a heart problem with Owen. But, I am relieved that SVT can be controlled, and when he's 12 to 14 years old, can be healed of this heart defect.

Owen is doing fine. The heart medication he is on slows his heart rate and has caused him to sleep more and get a little more fatigued easily. But, the dr. said his body will adjust to this new medicine in time. Our main worry was him actually TAKING the medicine. He is a bit picky about medicine. It has been a little bit of a battle, but I think we are making progress and with each dose, he seems to do better. Thank the Lord because we're not talking about tylenol here, we're talking about HEART medication! UGH! And, supposedly if he takes the medicine, he should have no more episodes of SVT.

I've posted a few pics of Owen. One is of him Monday when he had to wear a halter with probes all over his chest to monitor his heart rate for 24 hours. We had to give him a sponge bath that night. Also one of him listening to Trey's heartbeat. Now we are using Nate's pulse ox on Owen (unbelievable!) to check his heart rate throughout the day and also listening to his heart with the stethoscope. So now he likes to take part and listen to everyone else's hearts :) - my darling boy!

Random pics of Owen