Thursday, May 13, 2010
We're hanging in there. Thanks to Owen, we are distracted quite a bit. Trying to stay busy. If I stop and think, I lose it. But I know I need to do that too. It's just so hard, I'm in a way trying to avoid those feelings. I'm trying to figure out ways to fill up the days. Part of me wants to have something planned every second and then part of me wants to just crawl in bed and cry. But, thankfully, I'm more of an active person and like to stay busy. I went to a Bible Study yesterday hosted by some neighborhood friends. Just what I needed! Our neighbors have been unbelievable - so kind and thoughtful! Trey and I are trying to run more, which is good therapy. I'm hoping to get back to tennis this weekend and I'm going to the gym more. Now, I have no reason to not be in shape!!! Trey went back to work Monday, which I know was good for him. Being around his friends there and focusing on business. We have no idea if it's going to get easier or harder over time. But as our pastor said, take it five minutes at a time.
Trey and I are going to Vegas in a couple of weeks for a few days just for a quick GET AWAY from it all. It is all free thanks to miles and travel connections through Trey's work. I'm excited but it's also bittersweet, knowing the only reason we are able to make this trip is because Nate is gone. The focus has been on Nate for so long, our marriage was a little bit "ignored". It's time to focus on that and on Owen, of course! Hopefully, Trey and I will do a longer, relaxing, romantic trip to a beach this winter.
Owen has been so sweet. I think he has changed dramatically since Nate's passing. I believe Nate gave him a part of himself. Owen is more confident, outgoing and talking more! He's so funny. When he meets people he extends his hand to greet them with a handshake and says "Hey". So cute. He does the most touching things. Trey already mentioned how he grabbed all of Nate's stuffed animals to sleep with at night, but that's not enough. When he gets up in the morning and after his naps, he has to carry all of them with him to the living room and sit with them when he watches TV. We also all go back to Nate's room before Owen goes to bed, kneel and say prayers. Then we all blow a kiss to Nathan and tell him we love him. Owen has enjoyed getting out more and playing with his neighbor friends. The older girls have really taken him under their wings and of course, he's loving it!
We are in the process of selling our handicap van. Probably going to donate Nate's medical equipment, wheelchairs, lifts, stander, etc. to MDA. Soon we will have to figure out what to do with Nate's room. Can't think about that yet.
As far as any more signs from Nate, I think he gave the more substantial ones to me when I needed them the most. I see little ones here and there and am so thankful for that. I miss him so much, but am also so relieved he doesn't have SMA anymore. I can't wait to see him in Heaven a healthy & strong boy.
Thanks again to everyone for EVERYTHING! I just can't express enough how much all the love and support have helped us through this time.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
These pictures were taken on May 11, 2004, my 38th birthday. Nate had just spent pretty much the entire month of April in the St. John PICU but was able to come home in time to celebrate Mother's Day and my birthday. I knew at the time that my birthday celebrations with him would be limited and they should be treasured. Ever since that day, the ONLY birthday wish that I wanted granted or gift that I wanted to receive was to be able to celebrate the day with him.
Today, I have to "celebrate" my birthday without him. It won't really be a celebration for us but I sure hope that Nate gets to eat a big slice of cake and a huge scoop of ice cream in Heaven! That is my birthday wish for this year...
I love you, Nate!
Sunday, May 09, 2010
We went to church today and took Owen to Sunday School for the first time. Trey and I have members of Asbury for a long time, we used to go all the time before Nate's diagnosis. We were married at Asbury almost 9 years ago, both boys were baptized at Asbury, Nate's Memorial service was there and Owen has been attending Mother's Day out there as well. We had always wanted to be involved in the church before Nate was diagnosed, but obviously our obligations were to Nate and his care. I'm sure God understands :) So, this being the first Sunday to attend church in a long while, I think it appropriate that it was Mother's Day. Since I don't have many "church" clothes (or nice clothes for that matter, mostly Nike stuff!), I had to dig in my closet to find something to wear today. I still have it, the sweater I bought for and wore to Nate's private baptism ceremony about six years ago. Of course, that is what I wore today. I've posted a couple of pics from Nate's baptism and today with Owen. In the chair, I'm holding Nate's Mother's Day present he made for me in school (a nest with three eggs), and Owen's present to me, the flower made of his hand print. Also a couple of pics of us playing on Nate's bed this morning before church. I'm so blessed, but still so sad. I miss you Nate! Love you tons, Mommy