Sunday, July 11, 2010

I know, it's been awhile so here's an update (long one!)

Well, to tell you the truth, I just haven't been in the mood to post. I don't know. I just have been trying to "ignore" everything. Things became too painful, I just wanted to escape and not think about anything, not talk about it, and especially write about Nate and my "feelings". I wouldn't even get on the blog to check it. I've been having a really hard time lately. So has Trey, but he's much better at handling things than I am. Either that, or he internalizes it all (which is probably the case). I try to internalize, which means I just withdraw. Keep my mind occupied on other things or nothing at all and just be alone or play with Owen or watch meaningless television. I still have a hard time looking at Nate's pictures, videos and going into his room. I go into this tunnel vision thing, where I go in there, but I don't think, if I start to think about him and what once was, I freak out! I do start thinking all the time, but I block it out, move on to another thought or something to do or distract myself. Trey has been able to keep busy at work, but there's a lot going on there as well that has us stressed. (Hopefully, that situation will work out!) I seem to be more lonely. Just me and Owen at the house all day, it seems so quiet. I spent a lot of time getting out and being around people for awhile, then I just wanted to hibernate and be alone, with Trey and Owen. I need to find a balance. But, it seems like I'm one extreme or the other. It's hard to be alone, but also very hard to be "social" and "normal". But Trey and I are trying to work things out and we just take it one day at a time, and time seems to be flying by. But yet it seems like yesterday that Nate passed away. I've come to realize the pain will ALWAYS be there. I cry at random times, never know when it's coming. At church a couple of weeks ago, a downs syndrome choir came out and did a presentation of music with sign language. I lost it! I had to leave and go the bathroom and ball my eyes out. Just seeing special needs children, my heart just aches for Nate, but I also am so moved by them. I LOVE special needs kids! I thought it would get easier, but it's actually gotten harder. I miss him more and more every day. And I think because at first with all the calls, cards, etc., losing Nate was somewhat bearable (not really). But that of course passed. Time to move on. But not for Trey and I. We've tried, I've tried. Our "moving on" is plain and simple - being and living in the moment and trying to handle the pain day by day. But, I need to (as Trey has been able to do) not forget Nate and not ignore the feelings or the memories, but remember, reflect and thank God for his life. Even if it's painful. That's the hard part, I hate feeling sadness and pain. I feel like I could die, it's so painful to lose a child. But ignoring it, won't make it go away and it's not fair to Nate. He deserves to be remembered and thought about. Even if I cry all the freakin' time - LIKE I AM RIGHT NOW!!!!! UGH!

As far as signs from Nate, I get one almost daily. A while ago, I was running (during all the times I was posting early with all my "signs"), and I of course was looking for something. All of a sudden, this beautiful white, angelic butterfly was flying next to me while I ran. It stayed with me for the better part of my run, flying all around me and following me. Since then, I see a white butterfly in our backyard or frontyard on a daily basis. Sometimes randomly, but mostly when I'm thinking about him or ask him to give me a sign, there it is, the angelic butterfly appears!

Owen, our dear sweet, funny, lovable Owen. He has been such a blessing! He's kept us busy and to the extent he can, kept us preoccupied and from sinking into depression! He keeps us smiling and he keeps us GOING! He's a busy, wild little one. He's talking up a storm and has quite the personality. And such a sweetheart. We still stay our prayers nightly to Nate and sometimes Trey or I will cry a little (it's hard not to!). But what really gets my tears flowing is when Owen says "Mommy cry, mommy hug" and he gives me a hug. He pats me on the back and says "mommy miss Nate". Oh my, love that little guy!
As far as Owen's heart defect, he's doing really well. He is taking his medicine three times a day without much of a problem. I think he has come to realize this is just part of his daily routine now and sometimes even reminds US when he needs to take his medicine :) !

Owen is also swimming like a fish. He took one week of swimming lessons and you wouldn't believe what 5 days did for him! He's jumping off the side and going under water! But he's still a little attached to his floaties. And Trey and I are too, safety and comfort knowing he can just play around is nice! We've spent a lot of time in our pool and at the neighborhood pool. Owen loves being around the other kids.

The 4th of July neighborhood parade was a big hit! Lots of fun and Owen had a great time! It was sad not to have Nathan with us. He loved the parade and fireworks! It's so weird, because we had so much fun with Owen, but yet I cried at the parade too b/c I was missing Nate and wishing he was enjoying it with us! Good times, but yet such hard times.

So, that's it for now - enjoy the TONS of pictures!

Thanks for checking in!
Jennifer

10 comments:

Noah and Max said...

thank you jennifer for updating. because of your love of special needs kids have you ever thought about volunteering somewhere? You would be fantastic. Or what about starting a program for new parents dealing with children with special needs. You have a gift...a gift of caring for a child with special needs. Might still be too hard for you now but someday maybe. you are an inspiration.

Anonymous said...

Jen,

As you know both my wife and I have had all of you in our daily prayers and as I told Trey, that will never stop. When Trey & I wokred together we bonded, he is a true friend and when you welcomed me into your home to visit Nate it made me feel so speical that yet another bond occured. I recall the day Nate was born, Trey and I had a personal converstation and the empotions we so high, that I will never forget. You are a strong person and a future. As you say, Nate conitnues to be with you and will always will be. As for what Trey is going through at work is beyond his control, their is always a reason for change. God has a plan, and what that plan is we will know whe it is time. We love you all and think of you always. Please keep in touch! Your friends in South Florida!

M&M N

Pipsylou said...

Girl, I LOVE your honesty. LOVE IT. Thank you for updating, even though I know it is painful to do so.

I'm not sure if you're there yet, maybe even this is too painful. What about some sort of foundation in Nathan's name? What about fostering or adopting another child with special needs, someone who needs the care you are so wonderful at providing?

What about focusing your hurt and your broken heart and your energies toward doing something in Nathan's honor?

Of course you can't have him back, and of course none of these things would replace him. But sharing him with the world? Sharing his Legacy and all he meant to you with the world?

Awesome.

There will always be a huge, gigantic hole in your heart where your firstborn son should be. That is never going to change.

I am so sorry you are having to go through this.

I hate it.

Pipsylou said...

it just sounds like I am saying you aren't doing those things. I am an idiot. :)

What I am saying is taht you are doing a fantastic job of putting one foot in front of the other, of focusing your energies on your husband and son....it just sounds like you need something to be your passion...Nathan was a huge part of your life, and he's suddenly gone. It's not fair.

Pipsylou said...

p.s. I agree with Noah and Max...what I wouldn't have given, as a new mom of a child with special needs, to have someone come alongside me and say, "you can do this," "how can I help?"

also, we've been looking at adoption and it's heartbreaking, seeing children whose needs involve a few simple surgeries, stuck in the foster system because no one thinks they can "handle" it. it's just really been a huge, huge weight on my heart.

the same with adoption...there are so many couples who will only adopt a "perfect" child...breaks my heart to think about what they are missing out on.

i am rambling.

Becky Burke said...

Jen, you just sound very normal to me, being around all the people at first, then wanting to be alone. You've been very busy for a very long time, and it will be a process in itself to know what the future holds. There's no time schedule, no rush to do anything. So you just enjoy Trey, Owen and your memories of Nate. If you need to cry, go ahead. If anyone doesn't understand what you are going through, then that is their problem. You guys are just awesome in my book.

Becky Burke said...

Read "Resilience" by Elizabeth Edwards. She speaks of the loss of her son, Wade, and how she still copes, the expectations of others who were not in her shoes and how she coped through different websites where she connected with people anonymously who had lost their children due to different circumstances. I thought it would be mainly about her marriage, but so far (half of the book) it's addressed how she has coped with the loss of Wade. It is very touching and I think you will be able to relate. It's not political, by the way, at least not yet.

Kim S said...

Just read your latest update. Think about you and Nate often. (HUGS)

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