Monday, May 17, 2010

Therapeutic Writings

This blog, and writing, have become my "therapy". It's a good way for me to express my feelings and get them out instead of just laying in bed crying and thinking and thinking about things (which I do also sometimes).

The past few weeks have been a blur. The first week after Nate passed was horrible. Emotionally draining. Cried more than I've ever cried. Then when company left and life began again, I got busy. Busy playing with Owen, going out to eat with Trey, planning trips, taking Owen out and about, to neighbors houses, running, going to the gym, shopping, etc. I rarely would allow myself time to stop and think. Because I couldn't. I still have a hard time going back into Nate's room. Haven't watched any videos of him yet. Pictures are even hard. During the last few weeks, I hate to say it and I feel so guilty, but I'VE also enjoyed being "SMA free". I didn't think about Nate being gone, only SMA being gone. Owen has been able to do things that he couldn't do, Trey and I have been able to do things we couldn't do and plan things we haven't been able to do. No machines, no treatments, no pulse ox alarms, no nurses, no therapy. Stuff that consumed my daily life. But now that a couple of weeks have passed, I am thinking okay, I had my break and now where's Nate. WHERE IS HE! I want him back!!! I will give all the freedoms up in a heart beat to have him back! But that's selfish. It's been selfish of me to enjoy these freedoms, but also selfish of me to want him back because HE would still have SMA. I could deal with it, but apparently Nate couldn't anymore. I still can't believe he is gone forever (at least from earth anyways). In my mind, it's going to get harder over time, not easier. The longer he is gone, the more I will miss him. Everybody says, time heals. But I just don't think so. I guess I have no choice, but to move on, life keeps on going. I cannot say Nate is dead or that he died. Haven't been able to since that night he passed away. See, passed away is so much easier to handle. Dead and died - way too final, too harsh of words. HE'S NOT DEAD! He is still living, just somewhere else. And he continues to live in me and in Trey and in Owen!

Trey and I are still planning our quick getaway to Vegas this weekend. I hope and pray we are able to enjoy each other and have a good time. I don't want to spend it feeling guilty and crying the whole time. I have a feeling we will have fun and then we'll get back home and I'll have a couple days (or more) of sadness/guilt/depression.

I forgot to post awhile back that Trey and I picked out Nate's Memorial Marker for his grave. That was very difficult. We also got a bench with his name on it. Hopefully, they both will be ready by Memorial Day. I haven't visited his grave since he passed. Not ready. But once the plaque and bench are out, I'll be there. Crying hysterically I'm sure. The grave site is beautiful. We wanted to make sure Nate was by the water and he's pretty close to a beautiful water fountain. There are lots of ducks and geese around. It's very peaceful. I will be sure to post pics of it when we go visit.

I got a call today from a girl who is a member at First Baptist Church. The same church where my b/f/f Michelle goes and where Gayle Crist is a member (she's the one I met in the nail salon who had been praying for me - see previous blog post if you haven't read this story - it's a good one!). The call was from Megan and she does articles for their monthly newsletter. She wanted to do a write-up on Nate and on the story of me and Gayle meeting. Of course, I said yes! The more people who know about Nate, the better. His life is worth sharing with EVERYONE! He affected so many people while here on earth and it seems even more now that he's an Angel In Heaven! I'm honored to have a story written about God's work and Nathan's Life.

That's about it for now. I'm sure in the coming days I'll ramble some more :)
Attached is one of my favorite pics of Nate, which will also be on his Memorial Marker.


Kim S said...

Hi Jennifer -- I just read the last several postings (because I was behind) and I'm sitting here with tears flowing down my face. I just wanted you to know that we think of sweet Nathan and your family often. He will always be remembered.

Love - The Sykora Clan

Pipsylou said...

I'VE also enjoyed being "SMA free"...

man, the emotions you are going through. your honesty is going to help you SO much as you learn to live life with nate in a different place.

of course you want him back...but how confusing to want him back but not want the SMA...

to think he is SMA free gives me goosebumps.


No platitudes here, just know people are here reading and cheering you on. Grief is like a will have "down" yos, and "up" yos. When the "up" yos come, enjoy them, and when the "down" yos come, live through them,and waith for the "up".

That's the thing that is so confusing about never know from day to day how you are going to feel, so you just have to take it one day, one hour, one minute at a time.

burke.becky said...

After caring for my mom for ten years, I had the same feelings after she passed. About a week later, I felt she should come back, that I had a break, and now she and I could conquer anything that life had to offer, like we always had in the past. I have kept very busy this past year and a half, but I still miss her very much and wish I could just have one more hug, one more special conversation. It is a time I cherish, as I said in a previous posting, caring for someone with special needs opens your eyes to the world in a unique way. You all are in my thoughts every day and remember what I said, the love you gave him will come back and fill the void. You've experienced something most people never will, an opportunity to see the world in a different light, to love and be loved in the purest form. God Bless You!

Shannon and Carey said...

Beautiful post Jennifer. You are so honest and this will help other families who have to face the unknown.
Shannon :)